Who Am I?

Who am I? Who do you want me to be?
If I could look through Your eyes, what kind of me would I see?

The above words are to a song I began to write several years ago and have yet to finish. I’m thinking the song, like discovering my true identity in Christ, will be a lifelong process.

You may be looking at my blog to get a little insight into who I am, or really what kind of person I am. You may be a potential friend, employer, stalker, who knows. For whatever reason you would like to know, I’d like to say, “good luck.” I’m not sure that you’ll get a clear sense of my being here, but it’s worth a shot.

Some have gotten the wrong first impression here in the past. For that reason, I’ve taken some of the more “controversial” entries off and am now trying to give a better-rounded picture of who I really am. (I know. I’m a sellout and it goes against what I said I would do in an earlier post. I don’t know, sue me? Kick me out of the “cool people club?” whatever.)

So, in quick summary, here’s a little synopsis of “who I am” as I understand it for now:

I guess I’m funny, or so they tell me.

I am sensitive. I get my feelings hurt at times, BUT I won’t admit it if it happens because that might say I’m weak, which I AM NOT. I am creative beyond my means. In my head I see visions of elaborate works of all kinds which I personally cannot create and no one else would want to. Because what I think, feel and see is so grandiose, elaborate, and complex, I am rarely able to communicate what is in my heart or mind, which makes relationships of all kinds very challenging. For the reasons above and more, I spend a lot of time alone, which is my preference. I’m working on it.

I love the Lord my God with all my heart, soul, mind and strength. I relate to Mary Magdalene. I have a deep appreciation, love and devotion for Jesus Christ who loves me so dearly that he died for my repulsiveness and yet looks me straight in the eyes, holds my face in His hands and expresses His undying love and admiration for me as if none of it ever existed.

As much as I relate to Mary, I relate to other great historical figures, such as Peter and Timothy. Like Peter, I can be filled so full with The Spirit that it flows out of me in ways I never thought possible in my own strength and others draw closer to the Lord through it. Like Timothy, I am timid and afraid to use the great gifts that I have been given. I long for my entire being to be used for the Glory of God. My mission is to radiate His beauty.

I look like someone who is vain, materialistic and liberal in my beliefs and actions. Much to the contrary, I am frugal beyond reason, very conservative and modest. I feel I have a platform to model and encourage purity, modesty and humility to others. I spend little to no money on clothes or health and beauty products. I am VERY selective about what I watch on TV or in movies and I am one of the few people left in this world who does not wear a 2 piece swimming suit. I have a sincere desire to illustrate to other women that it is VERY possible to “radiate His beauty” while being modest, conservative and good stewards. I am passionate about this to say the least.

I am “melancholy”, “dark”, “edgy” or whatever they’re calling it these days. What I mean is my artistic being is not likely to communicate in the language of flowers and smiley faces. I am thankful that God has gifted people to do that. I may be one of those people someday. For now, I tend to speak to the darker things in life while directing myself and others to the true source of light, Jesus Christ.

I have a past. Few people know it and fewer have ever heard me speak of it. However if you too have a past, you will find that my past has allowed me to have empathy and love for you as I guide you in the direction of the one and only Healer and Redeemer, Jesus Christ.

Finally, I am a woman of MANY words. I like to talk – and yet I’m willing to listen. I like to write – and yet I’m willing to STOP.