Can I be honest with you? Sometimes I lie. It’s true! I lie! Sometimes I say, “I’m fine.” when I am not fine. Sometimes I say, “I’m sick,” when I’m not sick. And sometimes, I say, “NOTHING is wrong,” when I’m dying inside.
So, what’s new? Everyone does that, right? The problem is that I’ve been doing it my whole life, since I was a very little girl, since I really had no reason or purpose to lie. The problem is that I’ve done it so much and for so long that it has become a habit, automatic, instinctive, and I don’t know how to stop.
I think the lie was initially birthed from confusion, not deception. Now? I’m not sure. Laziness? Avoidance? Apathy? Whatever the reason, it’s there and I cannot figure out how to… Scratch that. I’m not sure that I am willing to change it.
See, when you’re little and your tummy hurts, your mommy gives you 7-Up and crackers and sits with you til you feel better. When you fall off your bike and scratch your elbows and knees your daddy cleans you up, covers the wounds and cares for you til they heal. When you’re sick, your mommy takes you to the Dr and he gives you medicine that makes you healthy again.
But what if you’re sad? If you’re sad because someone died, your mommy and daddy are sad too and you all mourn together. If you’re sad because someone was mean to you, your mommy and daddy hug you, tell you how to handle bullies and even get involved if necessary. When you’re sad because your boyfriend broke up with you, mommy and daddy call your girlfriends and invite them over for chick flicks and ice cream.
But what if you’re just sad? Not because someone died, not because someone was mean, not because your boyfriend broke up with you… you’re just sad… and even you don’t know why?
When you start to feel sadness at a very early age and you don’t know why, you HAVE to find ways to camouflage it. You HAVE to find excuses for it. You HAVE to lie about it. Or so you think.
After all, if you are sad ALL day for 10 days straight and you say, “I’m sad,” several times a day for 10 days straight, what would people do? Well, they might ask, “Why? What’s wrong?” or “What happened?” You might even get an “I’m sorry,” with a sympathetic hug, at first. But ALL day… for 10 days?! No one wants to hear that! No one knows how to deal with that? No one can fix that?
You can’t explain it. You can’t identify it. You have no clue how to fix it and then… you feel guilty about it! Afraid to admit it! I mean, after all, who wants to be the annoying “sad” kid, “Debbie Downer”, the “negative” one? Not me!
But, that’s what you become. Negative, a pessimist, with a bad attitude… or… you lie! When people ask, “How are you?” you answer with, “I’m fine!” When people ask, “What’s wrong?” you say, “I have a headache,” or “I don’t feel good,” which actually are usually true because even your body doesn’t know how to respond to “I’m sad” and would rather manifest it into physical pain. And sometimes, when you just don’t have the strength to deal with it at all, when asked the question, “What’s wrong?” you just take a deep breath, choke back the tears, stuff it deep inside, tighten everything you have, make certain of no escape, and say, “Nothing. Nothing at all!”
So, what’s new? Everyone does that, right? The problem is that I’ve been doing it my whole life, since I was a very little girl, since I really had no reason or purpose to lie. The problem is that I’ve done it so much and for so long that it has become a habit, automatic, instinctive, and I don’t know how to stop.
I think the lie was initially birthed from confusion, not deception. Now? I’m not sure. Laziness? Avoidance? Apathy? Whatever the reason, it’s there and I cannot figure out how to… Scratch that. I’m not sure that I am willing to change it.
See, when you’re little and your tummy hurts, your mommy gives you 7-Up and crackers and sits with you til you feel better. When you fall off your bike and scratch your elbows and knees your daddy cleans you up, covers the wounds and cares for you til they heal. When you’re sick, your mommy takes you to the Dr and he gives you medicine that makes you healthy again.
But what if you’re sad? If you’re sad because someone died, your mommy and daddy are sad too and you all mourn together. If you’re sad because someone was mean to you, your mommy and daddy hug you, tell you how to handle bullies and even get involved if necessary. When you’re sad because your boyfriend broke up with you, mommy and daddy call your girlfriends and invite them over for chick flicks and ice cream.
But what if you’re just sad? Not because someone died, not because someone was mean, not because your boyfriend broke up with you… you’re just sad… and even you don’t know why?
When you start to feel sadness at a very early age and you don’t know why, you HAVE to find ways to camouflage it. You HAVE to find excuses for it. You HAVE to lie about it. Or so you think.
After all, if you are sad ALL day for 10 days straight and you say, “I’m sad,” several times a day for 10 days straight, what would people do? Well, they might ask, “Why? What’s wrong?” or “What happened?” You might even get an “I’m sorry,” with a sympathetic hug, at first. But ALL day… for 10 days?! No one wants to hear that! No one knows how to deal with that? No one can fix that?
You can’t explain it. You can’t identify it. You have no clue how to fix it and then… you feel guilty about it! Afraid to admit it! I mean, after all, who wants to be the annoying “sad” kid, “Debbie Downer”, the “negative” one? Not me!
But, that’s what you become. Negative, a pessimist, with a bad attitude… or… you lie! When people ask, “How are you?” you answer with, “I’m fine!” When people ask, “What’s wrong?” you say, “I have a headache,” or “I don’t feel good,” which actually are usually true because even your body doesn’t know how to respond to “I’m sad” and would rather manifest it into physical pain. And sometimes, when you just don’t have the strength to deal with it at all, when asked the question, “What’s wrong?” you just take a deep breath, choke back the tears, stuff it deep inside, tighten everything you have, make certain of no escape, and say, “Nothing. Nothing at all!”
