Worship is one of the most controversial topics of Christian life. Why? Off the top of my head I’d say that things as “Godly” as biblical knowledge and spiritual maturity contribute, but probably no more than things as “Worldly” as past experience and personal preference. In addition, we have an enemy who not only wants to destroy the body of Christ, but even more wants to destroy our personal relationship with Christ. I believe, in addition to the word and prayer, worship is how we connect relationally with God, both as a body and as individuals.
Before someone throws out the whole Romans 12 “spiritual act of worship” argument, I’ll state that I by no means dispute the truth of that scripture. I will also state that in addition to Romans 12, we have many, many, MANY scriptures that reference worship in the musical form. That is the worship I am addressing here.
Being a musician my whole life and a worshipper since my conversion just over a decade ago, I have spent a GREAT deal of time thinking, praying, meditating, studying, questioning, crying, and pulling my hair out about this topic. There is literally not a single other thing in my life that has brought me more despair. And I’ve been through divorce, rehab and a teenage daughter! Having said that, there is also absolutely nothing that has brought me as much joy, as much peace, as much comfort. There is no other “thing” that has drawn me closer to God and to who I really am in His presence.
Pretty emotional, right? I recognize that. And I am NOT an emotional person. So, realizing that worship has had this effect on me has led me to many questions. “Why do I get so emotional?” “Is this real?” “Am I emotional about God or am I just caught up in the music?” “Am I just creating this experience to replace the high I used to get from drugs, alcohol, eating, shopping, whatever?”
The answers? Sometimes Yes, Sometimes No. For all of them! My point is that I believe it IS real, but I know that I am human and I know there is an enemy. Therefore, I pray ALL THE TIME, “Lord, make it real.” “Make it authentic.” “Help me to focus on you.” “Meet with me.” “Wash me in humility.” “Let your Spirit be my guide.” The prayers go on and on and on. At times, I fail. At times, I’m emotional because the music was REALLY good! At times, I’m emotional because my singing/playing was really BAD! I am human. I have emotion. Being that I am created in God’s likeness, I believe He has emotions as well. Being that He creates all things for his pleasure and glory, I believe He delights in my emotions. Emotion is one of the things that makes us more than just a sack of bones, a bunch of flesh and blood.
So, I believe as Paul said to the church in Corinth when they were questioning his integrity, “Examine yourselves to see whether you are in the faith; test yourselves.” Paul was speaking about prophecy, but his point can be applied in this way, Instead of questioning whether “the church” is providing authentic spirit filled worship for you, question whether you yourself are worshipping from the spirit within you.
Friday, July 22, 2011
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Genius
*Note, this is totally free writing only and not originally intended to be read. The subject came up, so I'm sharing.
Genius
I remember the day I discovered I was “genius.” I went to the library to “clear my head” and came home with a script for Cirque de Soleil. That’s literal, not metaphorical. I mean, I didn’t write the whole thing. It’s not even done and who knows if it ever will be. I just got “it” out on paper and that’s what it came out to be.
Mozart. Mozart. I can’t help but think of Mozart. I guess you could say he’s my favorite composer. Who knows, maybe it’s because there was a movie about him. Maybe it’s because I played a lot of “him” when I took piano lesson. I don’t know. I don’t know if I could even “spot” his music now. Anyway, for whatever reason he’s my favorite.
Anyway, I envision him there in the “end times”, sitting in his bed, writing a symphony. I don’t know. He was mad. Not “angry” mad, “MAD” mad. He was crazy!
Well, I don’t know if he was crazy in the beginning or not. I don’t know. All I know is that I can’t imagine, sitting down, hearing a symphony in your head and writing it out on paper.
It seems I always think of the crazy ones; Mozart, Edgar Allan Poe, I don’t know. I don’t know who they all are, but I know they were crazy. I wonder if they enjoyed life. I wonder if they knew they were crazy. I wonder what life was like for them. I don’t know. I have no idea.
I question. I don’t know. I question. Am I crazy? I don’t know how to tell. I seriously don’t know. Am I even really married? I have no clue.
I mean, that sounds “crazy” (ironically) and scary. I mean, what the hell am I doing? Of course I’m married!
I don’t know. Sometimes I wonder if I live in a fantasy world. If any of it’s real. I can’t even imagine. I don’t know.
*and then I turned my attention to writing a rap song that formed in my head from this writing. Yeah, I know. [head shake]
Genius
I remember the day I discovered I was “genius.” I went to the library to “clear my head” and came home with a script for Cirque de Soleil. That’s literal, not metaphorical. I mean, I didn’t write the whole thing. It’s not even done and who knows if it ever will be. I just got “it” out on paper and that’s what it came out to be.
Mozart. Mozart. I can’t help but think of Mozart. I guess you could say he’s my favorite composer. Who knows, maybe it’s because there was a movie about him. Maybe it’s because I played a lot of “him” when I took piano lesson. I don’t know. I don’t know if I could even “spot” his music now. Anyway, for whatever reason he’s my favorite.
Anyway, I envision him there in the “end times”, sitting in his bed, writing a symphony. I don’t know. He was mad. Not “angry” mad, “MAD” mad. He was crazy!
Well, I don’t know if he was crazy in the beginning or not. I don’t know. All I know is that I can’t imagine, sitting down, hearing a symphony in your head and writing it out on paper.
It seems I always think of the crazy ones; Mozart, Edgar Allan Poe, I don’t know. I don’t know who they all are, but I know they were crazy. I wonder if they enjoyed life. I wonder if they knew they were crazy. I wonder what life was like for them. I don’t know. I have no idea.
I question. I don’t know. I question. Am I crazy? I don’t know how to tell. I seriously don’t know. Am I even really married? I have no clue.
I mean, that sounds “crazy” (ironically) and scary. I mean, what the hell am I doing? Of course I’m married!
I don’t know. Sometimes I wonder if I live in a fantasy world. If any of it’s real. I can’t even imagine. I don’t know.
*and then I turned my attention to writing a rap song that formed in my head from this writing. Yeah, I know. [head shake]
Monday, May 30, 2011
Your WHAT Hurts?
Can I be honest with you? Sometimes I lie. It’s true! I lie! Sometimes I say, “I’m fine.” when I am not fine. Sometimes I say, “I’m sick,” when I’m not sick. And sometimes, I say, “NOTHING is wrong,” when I’m dying inside.
So, what’s new? Everyone does that, right? The problem is that I’ve been doing it my whole life, since I was a very little girl, since I really had no reason or purpose to lie. The problem is that I’ve done it so much and for so long that it has become a habit, automatic, instinctive, and I don’t know how to stop.
I think the lie was initially birthed from confusion, not deception. Now? I’m not sure. Laziness? Avoidance? Apathy? Whatever the reason, it’s there and I cannot figure out how to… Scratch that. I’m not sure that I am willing to change it.
See, when you’re little and your tummy hurts, your mommy gives you 7-Up and crackers and sits with you til you feel better. When you fall off your bike and scratch your elbows and knees your daddy cleans you up, covers the wounds and cares for you til they heal. When you’re sick, your mommy takes you to the Dr and he gives you medicine that makes you healthy again.
But what if you’re sad? If you’re sad because someone died, your mommy and daddy are sad too and you all mourn together. If you’re sad because someone was mean to you, your mommy and daddy hug you, tell you how to handle bullies and even get involved if necessary. When you’re sad because your boyfriend broke up with you, mommy and daddy call your girlfriends and invite them over for chick flicks and ice cream.
But what if you’re just sad? Not because someone died, not because someone was mean, not because your boyfriend broke up with you… you’re just sad… and even you don’t know why?
When you start to feel sadness at a very early age and you don’t know why, you HAVE to find ways to camouflage it. You HAVE to find excuses for it. You HAVE to lie about it. Or so you think.
After all, if you are sad ALL day for 10 days straight and you say, “I’m sad,” several times a day for 10 days straight, what would people do? Well, they might ask, “Why? What’s wrong?” or “What happened?” You might even get an “I’m sorry,” with a sympathetic hug, at first. But ALL day… for 10 days?! No one wants to hear that! No one knows how to deal with that? No one can fix that?
You can’t explain it. You can’t identify it. You have no clue how to fix it and then… you feel guilty about it! Afraid to admit it! I mean, after all, who wants to be the annoying “sad” kid, “Debbie Downer”, the “negative” one? Not me!
But, that’s what you become. Negative, a pessimist, with a bad attitude… or… you lie! When people ask, “How are you?” you answer with, “I’m fine!” When people ask, “What’s wrong?” you say, “I have a headache,” or “I don’t feel good,” which actually are usually true because even your body doesn’t know how to respond to “I’m sad” and would rather manifest it into physical pain. And sometimes, when you just don’t have the strength to deal with it at all, when asked the question, “What’s wrong?” you just take a deep breath, choke back the tears, stuff it deep inside, tighten everything you have, make certain of no escape, and say, “Nothing. Nothing at all!”
So, what’s new? Everyone does that, right? The problem is that I’ve been doing it my whole life, since I was a very little girl, since I really had no reason or purpose to lie. The problem is that I’ve done it so much and for so long that it has become a habit, automatic, instinctive, and I don’t know how to stop.
I think the lie was initially birthed from confusion, not deception. Now? I’m not sure. Laziness? Avoidance? Apathy? Whatever the reason, it’s there and I cannot figure out how to… Scratch that. I’m not sure that I am willing to change it.
See, when you’re little and your tummy hurts, your mommy gives you 7-Up and crackers and sits with you til you feel better. When you fall off your bike and scratch your elbows and knees your daddy cleans you up, covers the wounds and cares for you til they heal. When you’re sick, your mommy takes you to the Dr and he gives you medicine that makes you healthy again.
But what if you’re sad? If you’re sad because someone died, your mommy and daddy are sad too and you all mourn together. If you’re sad because someone was mean to you, your mommy and daddy hug you, tell you how to handle bullies and even get involved if necessary. When you’re sad because your boyfriend broke up with you, mommy and daddy call your girlfriends and invite them over for chick flicks and ice cream.
But what if you’re just sad? Not because someone died, not because someone was mean, not because your boyfriend broke up with you… you’re just sad… and even you don’t know why?
When you start to feel sadness at a very early age and you don’t know why, you HAVE to find ways to camouflage it. You HAVE to find excuses for it. You HAVE to lie about it. Or so you think.
After all, if you are sad ALL day for 10 days straight and you say, “I’m sad,” several times a day for 10 days straight, what would people do? Well, they might ask, “Why? What’s wrong?” or “What happened?” You might even get an “I’m sorry,” with a sympathetic hug, at first. But ALL day… for 10 days?! No one wants to hear that! No one knows how to deal with that? No one can fix that?
You can’t explain it. You can’t identify it. You have no clue how to fix it and then… you feel guilty about it! Afraid to admit it! I mean, after all, who wants to be the annoying “sad” kid, “Debbie Downer”, the “negative” one? Not me!
But, that’s what you become. Negative, a pessimist, with a bad attitude… or… you lie! When people ask, “How are you?” you answer with, “I’m fine!” When people ask, “What’s wrong?” you say, “I have a headache,” or “I don’t feel good,” which actually are usually true because even your body doesn’t know how to respond to “I’m sad” and would rather manifest it into physical pain. And sometimes, when you just don’t have the strength to deal with it at all, when asked the question, “What’s wrong?” you just take a deep breath, choke back the tears, stuff it deep inside, tighten everything you have, make certain of no escape, and say, “Nothing. Nothing at all!”
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
In God We Trust
I write this knowing it will not be received favorably by all, but what is life, if not a testimony? This is an area of life where I’ve had faith, I’ve been obedient and I’ve been blessed. This is a testimony of God’s provision. In His provision, He expects faith. He also expects stewardship, which we often overlook.
The child of two hard working teachers, I enjoyed the benefits received. I enjoyed them so much that when I entered the workforce myself, I was shocked. Co-pay? Deductible? Premium? 18 years old, with husband, child, rent, etc, I was welcomed into the private sector with a BANG!
Life continued. One thing did not change. No matter how far my career progressed, I still had to pay for benefits. What did change was the cost. Each year I paid more and benefited less! I had a pit in my stomach, each time I saw the cost of my benefits increase more than my rate of pay. I thought, “How long until we can’t afford to live?” Each year, I reminded myself, “God is bigger than insurance,” I spoke this many times in many ways. “God is bigger than the stock market.” “God is bigger than the real estate market.” It was a necessary reminder when panic set in.
Many years ago, I felt God said to me, “No matter how much money you make someday, I want you to live like you make very little. You may have to live on very little someday.” Spoken to me personally, that can apply to many, especially considering the effects of economy on daily living.
Eventually I did receive a substantial salary. I did get to where I could say, “I work hard. I can treat myself to…” I did get to where I could make a larger purchase using disposable income only. God’s word to me was as clear then as the day I first felt it.
We didn’t live on beans and rice or without any luxuries, but what we bought, we bought with cash after we researched, bargained and waited to get the best value. My peers drove upscale cars. I drove used, with 100K+ miles. My peers lived in $300K - $1M homes. I shopped for years to land a 2 bedroom condo believing God said to spend no more than $100K on a home. Needless to say, I was not the one to host social gatherings with my peers!
Eventually, I felt God was leading me away from my job. My husband works every bit as hard as me, but in a field that compensates differently than mine. My job contributed about 2/3 of our household income and all of our benefits, so we dismissed the idea of me leaving. As time went on, it became increasingly clear that I was being called to leave, so we looked at how to make that happen.
Years earlier we attended Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University and began some financial disciplines. We adhered to those practices pretty well. Never having used credit cards, our only debt was a student loan, which we eventually paid off, and our mortgage. Most disposable income provided by my salary was budgeted to our mortgage every month, so it was never available for us to spend. Our payment was under $700. We paid approximately $2000. It was my goal to pay off our mortgage in 7 years.
This lifestyle, made it possible for me to leave my job and for us to live on a fraction of our former income. We made changes to our cell phones, cable plans and nonessential budget lines, and made a fairly smooth transition to our new lifestyle. Before I left my job, we funded our missions, vacation, Christmas, and other budget lines for the rest of the year so they’d be fully funded without compromising the new budget.
Since this step of faith, God has provided greatly. Not only have our needs been met, but we still enjoy many nonessentials. We are even about to remodel two bathrooms and travel to Europe. God is amazing. He is too good to us.
I believe In-God-We-Trust. He will provide. We often focus on what we “deserve”. I “deserve” nothing, yet he provides everything I need and more.
Faith is a gift. So is stewardship. If my income increases, does my lifestyle need to? We can take a $5000 bonus and turn it into a $20,000 debt. We buy a car we can’t pay cash for or “improve” our home. What would happen if you were asked to live on a fraction of your income? Are you prepared? Could you pay your current household bills? Could you support your lifestyle? Do you have debt that could not be paid? Do you have savings for emergencies?
My guess is most of us are living beyond the means of a reduced income, and even beyond the means of our current income. We’re spending more than we make. We’re acquiring debt. We are spending in the now, not investing in the future. In essence, we manage our personal finances in the same manner that our government manages our public finances.
The child of two hard working teachers, I enjoyed the benefits received. I enjoyed them so much that when I entered the workforce myself, I was shocked. Co-pay? Deductible? Premium? 18 years old, with husband, child, rent, etc, I was welcomed into the private sector with a BANG!
Life continued. One thing did not change. No matter how far my career progressed, I still had to pay for benefits. What did change was the cost. Each year I paid more and benefited less! I had a pit in my stomach, each time I saw the cost of my benefits increase more than my rate of pay. I thought, “How long until we can’t afford to live?” Each year, I reminded myself, “God is bigger than insurance,” I spoke this many times in many ways. “God is bigger than the stock market.” “God is bigger than the real estate market.” It was a necessary reminder when panic set in.
Many years ago, I felt God said to me, “No matter how much money you make someday, I want you to live like you make very little. You may have to live on very little someday.” Spoken to me personally, that can apply to many, especially considering the effects of economy on daily living.
Eventually I did receive a substantial salary. I did get to where I could say, “I work hard. I can treat myself to…” I did get to where I could make a larger purchase using disposable income only. God’s word to me was as clear then as the day I first felt it.
We didn’t live on beans and rice or without any luxuries, but what we bought, we bought with cash after we researched, bargained and waited to get the best value. My peers drove upscale cars. I drove used, with 100K+ miles. My peers lived in $300K - $1M homes. I shopped for years to land a 2 bedroom condo believing God said to spend no more than $100K on a home. Needless to say, I was not the one to host social gatherings with my peers!
Eventually, I felt God was leading me away from my job. My husband works every bit as hard as me, but in a field that compensates differently than mine. My job contributed about 2/3 of our household income and all of our benefits, so we dismissed the idea of me leaving. As time went on, it became increasingly clear that I was being called to leave, so we looked at how to make that happen.
Years earlier we attended Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University and began some financial disciplines. We adhered to those practices pretty well. Never having used credit cards, our only debt was a student loan, which we eventually paid off, and our mortgage. Most disposable income provided by my salary was budgeted to our mortgage every month, so it was never available for us to spend. Our payment was under $700. We paid approximately $2000. It was my goal to pay off our mortgage in 7 years.
This lifestyle, made it possible for me to leave my job and for us to live on a fraction of our former income. We made changes to our cell phones, cable plans and nonessential budget lines, and made a fairly smooth transition to our new lifestyle. Before I left my job, we funded our missions, vacation, Christmas, and other budget lines for the rest of the year so they’d be fully funded without compromising the new budget.
Since this step of faith, God has provided greatly. Not only have our needs been met, but we still enjoy many nonessentials. We are even about to remodel two bathrooms and travel to Europe. God is amazing. He is too good to us.
I believe In-God-We-Trust. He will provide. We often focus on what we “deserve”. I “deserve” nothing, yet he provides everything I need and more.
Faith is a gift. So is stewardship. If my income increases, does my lifestyle need to? We can take a $5000 bonus and turn it into a $20,000 debt. We buy a car we can’t pay cash for or “improve” our home. What would happen if you were asked to live on a fraction of your income? Are you prepared? Could you pay your current household bills? Could you support your lifestyle? Do you have debt that could not be paid? Do you have savings for emergencies?
My guess is most of us are living beyond the means of a reduced income, and even beyond the means of our current income. We’re spending more than we make. We’re acquiring debt. We are spending in the now, not investing in the future. In essence, we manage our personal finances in the same manner that our government manages our public finances.
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