Worship is one of the most controversial topics of Christian life. Why? Off the top of my head I’d say that things as “Godly” as biblical knowledge and spiritual maturity contribute, but probably no more than things as “Worldly” as past experience and personal preference. In addition, we have an enemy who not only wants to destroy the body of Christ, but even more wants to destroy our personal relationship with Christ. I believe, in addition to the word and prayer, worship is how we connect relationally with God, both as a body and as individuals.
Before someone throws out the whole Romans 12 “spiritual act of worship” argument, I’ll state that I by no means dispute the truth of that scripture. I will also state that in addition to Romans 12, we have many, many, MANY scriptures that reference worship in the musical form. That is the worship I am addressing here.
Being a musician my whole life and a worshipper since my conversion just over a decade ago, I have spent a GREAT deal of time thinking, praying, meditating, studying, questioning, crying, and pulling my hair out about this topic. There is literally not a single other thing in my life that has brought me more despair. And I’ve been through divorce, rehab and a teenage daughter! Having said that, there is also absolutely nothing that has brought me as much joy, as much peace, as much comfort. There is no other “thing” that has drawn me closer to God and to who I really am in His presence.
Pretty emotional, right? I recognize that. And I am NOT an emotional person. So, realizing that worship has had this effect on me has led me to many questions. “Why do I get so emotional?” “Is this real?” “Am I emotional about God or am I just caught up in the music?” “Am I just creating this experience to replace the high I used to get from drugs, alcohol, eating, shopping, whatever?”
The answers? Sometimes Yes, Sometimes No. For all of them! My point is that I believe it IS real, but I know that I am human and I know there is an enemy. Therefore, I pray ALL THE TIME, “Lord, make it real.” “Make it authentic.” “Help me to focus on you.” “Meet with me.” “Wash me in humility.” “Let your Spirit be my guide.” The prayers go on and on and on. At times, I fail. At times, I’m emotional because the music was REALLY good! At times, I’m emotional because my singing/playing was really BAD! I am human. I have emotion. Being that I am created in God’s likeness, I believe He has emotions as well. Being that He creates all things for his pleasure and glory, I believe He delights in my emotions. Emotion is one of the things that makes us more than just a sack of bones, a bunch of flesh and blood.
So, I believe as Paul said to the church in Corinth when they were questioning his integrity, “Examine yourselves to see whether you are in the faith; test yourselves.” Paul was speaking about prophecy, but his point can be applied in this way, Instead of questioning whether “the church” is providing authentic spirit filled worship for you, question whether you yourself are worshipping from the spirit within you.
Friday, July 22, 2011
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Genius
*Note, this is totally free writing only and not originally intended to be read. The subject came up, so I'm sharing.
Genius
I remember the day I discovered I was “genius.” I went to the library to “clear my head” and came home with a script for Cirque de Soleil. That’s literal, not metaphorical. I mean, I didn’t write the whole thing. It’s not even done and who knows if it ever will be. I just got “it” out on paper and that’s what it came out to be.
Mozart. Mozart. I can’t help but think of Mozart. I guess you could say he’s my favorite composer. Who knows, maybe it’s because there was a movie about him. Maybe it’s because I played a lot of “him” when I took piano lesson. I don’t know. I don’t know if I could even “spot” his music now. Anyway, for whatever reason he’s my favorite.
Anyway, I envision him there in the “end times”, sitting in his bed, writing a symphony. I don’t know. He was mad. Not “angry” mad, “MAD” mad. He was crazy!
Well, I don’t know if he was crazy in the beginning or not. I don’t know. All I know is that I can’t imagine, sitting down, hearing a symphony in your head and writing it out on paper.
It seems I always think of the crazy ones; Mozart, Edgar Allan Poe, I don’t know. I don’t know who they all are, but I know they were crazy. I wonder if they enjoyed life. I wonder if they knew they were crazy. I wonder what life was like for them. I don’t know. I have no idea.
I question. I don’t know. I question. Am I crazy? I don’t know how to tell. I seriously don’t know. Am I even really married? I have no clue.
I mean, that sounds “crazy” (ironically) and scary. I mean, what the hell am I doing? Of course I’m married!
I don’t know. Sometimes I wonder if I live in a fantasy world. If any of it’s real. I can’t even imagine. I don’t know.
*and then I turned my attention to writing a rap song that formed in my head from this writing. Yeah, I know. [head shake]
Genius
I remember the day I discovered I was “genius.” I went to the library to “clear my head” and came home with a script for Cirque de Soleil. That’s literal, not metaphorical. I mean, I didn’t write the whole thing. It’s not even done and who knows if it ever will be. I just got “it” out on paper and that’s what it came out to be.
Mozart. Mozart. I can’t help but think of Mozart. I guess you could say he’s my favorite composer. Who knows, maybe it’s because there was a movie about him. Maybe it’s because I played a lot of “him” when I took piano lesson. I don’t know. I don’t know if I could even “spot” his music now. Anyway, for whatever reason he’s my favorite.
Anyway, I envision him there in the “end times”, sitting in his bed, writing a symphony. I don’t know. He was mad. Not “angry” mad, “MAD” mad. He was crazy!
Well, I don’t know if he was crazy in the beginning or not. I don’t know. All I know is that I can’t imagine, sitting down, hearing a symphony in your head and writing it out on paper.
It seems I always think of the crazy ones; Mozart, Edgar Allan Poe, I don’t know. I don’t know who they all are, but I know they were crazy. I wonder if they enjoyed life. I wonder if they knew they were crazy. I wonder what life was like for them. I don’t know. I have no idea.
I question. I don’t know. I question. Am I crazy? I don’t know how to tell. I seriously don’t know. Am I even really married? I have no clue.
I mean, that sounds “crazy” (ironically) and scary. I mean, what the hell am I doing? Of course I’m married!
I don’t know. Sometimes I wonder if I live in a fantasy world. If any of it’s real. I can’t even imagine. I don’t know.
*and then I turned my attention to writing a rap song that formed in my head from this writing. Yeah, I know. [head shake]
Monday, May 30, 2011
Your WHAT Hurts?
Can I be honest with you? Sometimes I lie. It’s true! I lie! Sometimes I say, “I’m fine.” when I am not fine. Sometimes I say, “I’m sick,” when I’m not sick. And sometimes, I say, “NOTHING is wrong,” when I’m dying inside.
So, what’s new? Everyone does that, right? The problem is that I’ve been doing it my whole life, since I was a very little girl, since I really had no reason or purpose to lie. The problem is that I’ve done it so much and for so long that it has become a habit, automatic, instinctive, and I don’t know how to stop.
I think the lie was initially birthed from confusion, not deception. Now? I’m not sure. Laziness? Avoidance? Apathy? Whatever the reason, it’s there and I cannot figure out how to… Scratch that. I’m not sure that I am willing to change it.
See, when you’re little and your tummy hurts, your mommy gives you 7-Up and crackers and sits with you til you feel better. When you fall off your bike and scratch your elbows and knees your daddy cleans you up, covers the wounds and cares for you til they heal. When you’re sick, your mommy takes you to the Dr and he gives you medicine that makes you healthy again.
But what if you’re sad? If you’re sad because someone died, your mommy and daddy are sad too and you all mourn together. If you’re sad because someone was mean to you, your mommy and daddy hug you, tell you how to handle bullies and even get involved if necessary. When you’re sad because your boyfriend broke up with you, mommy and daddy call your girlfriends and invite them over for chick flicks and ice cream.
But what if you’re just sad? Not because someone died, not because someone was mean, not because your boyfriend broke up with you… you’re just sad… and even you don’t know why?
When you start to feel sadness at a very early age and you don’t know why, you HAVE to find ways to camouflage it. You HAVE to find excuses for it. You HAVE to lie about it. Or so you think.
After all, if you are sad ALL day for 10 days straight and you say, “I’m sad,” several times a day for 10 days straight, what would people do? Well, they might ask, “Why? What’s wrong?” or “What happened?” You might even get an “I’m sorry,” with a sympathetic hug, at first. But ALL day… for 10 days?! No one wants to hear that! No one knows how to deal with that? No one can fix that?
You can’t explain it. You can’t identify it. You have no clue how to fix it and then… you feel guilty about it! Afraid to admit it! I mean, after all, who wants to be the annoying “sad” kid, “Debbie Downer”, the “negative” one? Not me!
But, that’s what you become. Negative, a pessimist, with a bad attitude… or… you lie! When people ask, “How are you?” you answer with, “I’m fine!” When people ask, “What’s wrong?” you say, “I have a headache,” or “I don’t feel good,” which actually are usually true because even your body doesn’t know how to respond to “I’m sad” and would rather manifest it into physical pain. And sometimes, when you just don’t have the strength to deal with it at all, when asked the question, “What’s wrong?” you just take a deep breath, choke back the tears, stuff it deep inside, tighten everything you have, make certain of no escape, and say, “Nothing. Nothing at all!”
So, what’s new? Everyone does that, right? The problem is that I’ve been doing it my whole life, since I was a very little girl, since I really had no reason or purpose to lie. The problem is that I’ve done it so much and for so long that it has become a habit, automatic, instinctive, and I don’t know how to stop.
I think the lie was initially birthed from confusion, not deception. Now? I’m not sure. Laziness? Avoidance? Apathy? Whatever the reason, it’s there and I cannot figure out how to… Scratch that. I’m not sure that I am willing to change it.
See, when you’re little and your tummy hurts, your mommy gives you 7-Up and crackers and sits with you til you feel better. When you fall off your bike and scratch your elbows and knees your daddy cleans you up, covers the wounds and cares for you til they heal. When you’re sick, your mommy takes you to the Dr and he gives you medicine that makes you healthy again.
But what if you’re sad? If you’re sad because someone died, your mommy and daddy are sad too and you all mourn together. If you’re sad because someone was mean to you, your mommy and daddy hug you, tell you how to handle bullies and even get involved if necessary. When you’re sad because your boyfriend broke up with you, mommy and daddy call your girlfriends and invite them over for chick flicks and ice cream.
But what if you’re just sad? Not because someone died, not because someone was mean, not because your boyfriend broke up with you… you’re just sad… and even you don’t know why?
When you start to feel sadness at a very early age and you don’t know why, you HAVE to find ways to camouflage it. You HAVE to find excuses for it. You HAVE to lie about it. Or so you think.
After all, if you are sad ALL day for 10 days straight and you say, “I’m sad,” several times a day for 10 days straight, what would people do? Well, they might ask, “Why? What’s wrong?” or “What happened?” You might even get an “I’m sorry,” with a sympathetic hug, at first. But ALL day… for 10 days?! No one wants to hear that! No one knows how to deal with that? No one can fix that?
You can’t explain it. You can’t identify it. You have no clue how to fix it and then… you feel guilty about it! Afraid to admit it! I mean, after all, who wants to be the annoying “sad” kid, “Debbie Downer”, the “negative” one? Not me!
But, that’s what you become. Negative, a pessimist, with a bad attitude… or… you lie! When people ask, “How are you?” you answer with, “I’m fine!” When people ask, “What’s wrong?” you say, “I have a headache,” or “I don’t feel good,” which actually are usually true because even your body doesn’t know how to respond to “I’m sad” and would rather manifest it into physical pain. And sometimes, when you just don’t have the strength to deal with it at all, when asked the question, “What’s wrong?” you just take a deep breath, choke back the tears, stuff it deep inside, tighten everything you have, make certain of no escape, and say, “Nothing. Nothing at all!”
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
In God We Trust
I write this knowing it will not be received favorably by all, but what is life, if not a testimony? This is an area of life where I’ve had faith, I’ve been obedient and I’ve been blessed. This is a testimony of God’s provision. In His provision, He expects faith. He also expects stewardship, which we often overlook.
The child of two hard working teachers, I enjoyed the benefits received. I enjoyed them so much that when I entered the workforce myself, I was shocked. Co-pay? Deductible? Premium? 18 years old, with husband, child, rent, etc, I was welcomed into the private sector with a BANG!
Life continued. One thing did not change. No matter how far my career progressed, I still had to pay for benefits. What did change was the cost. Each year I paid more and benefited less! I had a pit in my stomach, each time I saw the cost of my benefits increase more than my rate of pay. I thought, “How long until we can’t afford to live?” Each year, I reminded myself, “God is bigger than insurance,” I spoke this many times in many ways. “God is bigger than the stock market.” “God is bigger than the real estate market.” It was a necessary reminder when panic set in.
Many years ago, I felt God said to me, “No matter how much money you make someday, I want you to live like you make very little. You may have to live on very little someday.” Spoken to me personally, that can apply to many, especially considering the effects of economy on daily living.
Eventually I did receive a substantial salary. I did get to where I could say, “I work hard. I can treat myself to…” I did get to where I could make a larger purchase using disposable income only. God’s word to me was as clear then as the day I first felt it.
We didn’t live on beans and rice or without any luxuries, but what we bought, we bought with cash after we researched, bargained and waited to get the best value. My peers drove upscale cars. I drove used, with 100K+ miles. My peers lived in $300K - $1M homes. I shopped for years to land a 2 bedroom condo believing God said to spend no more than $100K on a home. Needless to say, I was not the one to host social gatherings with my peers!
Eventually, I felt God was leading me away from my job. My husband works every bit as hard as me, but in a field that compensates differently than mine. My job contributed about 2/3 of our household income and all of our benefits, so we dismissed the idea of me leaving. As time went on, it became increasingly clear that I was being called to leave, so we looked at how to make that happen.
Years earlier we attended Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University and began some financial disciplines. We adhered to those practices pretty well. Never having used credit cards, our only debt was a student loan, which we eventually paid off, and our mortgage. Most disposable income provided by my salary was budgeted to our mortgage every month, so it was never available for us to spend. Our payment was under $700. We paid approximately $2000. It was my goal to pay off our mortgage in 7 years.
This lifestyle, made it possible for me to leave my job and for us to live on a fraction of our former income. We made changes to our cell phones, cable plans and nonessential budget lines, and made a fairly smooth transition to our new lifestyle. Before I left my job, we funded our missions, vacation, Christmas, and other budget lines for the rest of the year so they’d be fully funded without compromising the new budget.
Since this step of faith, God has provided greatly. Not only have our needs been met, but we still enjoy many nonessentials. We are even about to remodel two bathrooms and travel to Europe. God is amazing. He is too good to us.
I believe In-God-We-Trust. He will provide. We often focus on what we “deserve”. I “deserve” nothing, yet he provides everything I need and more.
Faith is a gift. So is stewardship. If my income increases, does my lifestyle need to? We can take a $5000 bonus and turn it into a $20,000 debt. We buy a car we can’t pay cash for or “improve” our home. What would happen if you were asked to live on a fraction of your income? Are you prepared? Could you pay your current household bills? Could you support your lifestyle? Do you have debt that could not be paid? Do you have savings for emergencies?
My guess is most of us are living beyond the means of a reduced income, and even beyond the means of our current income. We’re spending more than we make. We’re acquiring debt. We are spending in the now, not investing in the future. In essence, we manage our personal finances in the same manner that our government manages our public finances.
The child of two hard working teachers, I enjoyed the benefits received. I enjoyed them so much that when I entered the workforce myself, I was shocked. Co-pay? Deductible? Premium? 18 years old, with husband, child, rent, etc, I was welcomed into the private sector with a BANG!
Life continued. One thing did not change. No matter how far my career progressed, I still had to pay for benefits. What did change was the cost. Each year I paid more and benefited less! I had a pit in my stomach, each time I saw the cost of my benefits increase more than my rate of pay. I thought, “How long until we can’t afford to live?” Each year, I reminded myself, “God is bigger than insurance,” I spoke this many times in many ways. “God is bigger than the stock market.” “God is bigger than the real estate market.” It was a necessary reminder when panic set in.
Many years ago, I felt God said to me, “No matter how much money you make someday, I want you to live like you make very little. You may have to live on very little someday.” Spoken to me personally, that can apply to many, especially considering the effects of economy on daily living.
Eventually I did receive a substantial salary. I did get to where I could say, “I work hard. I can treat myself to…” I did get to where I could make a larger purchase using disposable income only. God’s word to me was as clear then as the day I first felt it.
We didn’t live on beans and rice or without any luxuries, but what we bought, we bought with cash after we researched, bargained and waited to get the best value. My peers drove upscale cars. I drove used, with 100K+ miles. My peers lived in $300K - $1M homes. I shopped for years to land a 2 bedroom condo believing God said to spend no more than $100K on a home. Needless to say, I was not the one to host social gatherings with my peers!
Eventually, I felt God was leading me away from my job. My husband works every bit as hard as me, but in a field that compensates differently than mine. My job contributed about 2/3 of our household income and all of our benefits, so we dismissed the idea of me leaving. As time went on, it became increasingly clear that I was being called to leave, so we looked at how to make that happen.
Years earlier we attended Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University and began some financial disciplines. We adhered to those practices pretty well. Never having used credit cards, our only debt was a student loan, which we eventually paid off, and our mortgage. Most disposable income provided by my salary was budgeted to our mortgage every month, so it was never available for us to spend. Our payment was under $700. We paid approximately $2000. It was my goal to pay off our mortgage in 7 years.
This lifestyle, made it possible for me to leave my job and for us to live on a fraction of our former income. We made changes to our cell phones, cable plans and nonessential budget lines, and made a fairly smooth transition to our new lifestyle. Before I left my job, we funded our missions, vacation, Christmas, and other budget lines for the rest of the year so they’d be fully funded without compromising the new budget.
Since this step of faith, God has provided greatly. Not only have our needs been met, but we still enjoy many nonessentials. We are even about to remodel two bathrooms and travel to Europe. God is amazing. He is too good to us.
I believe In-God-We-Trust. He will provide. We often focus on what we “deserve”. I “deserve” nothing, yet he provides everything I need and more.
Faith is a gift. So is stewardship. If my income increases, does my lifestyle need to? We can take a $5000 bonus and turn it into a $20,000 debt. We buy a car we can’t pay cash for or “improve” our home. What would happen if you were asked to live on a fraction of your income? Are you prepared? Could you pay your current household bills? Could you support your lifestyle? Do you have debt that could not be paid? Do you have savings for emergencies?
My guess is most of us are living beyond the means of a reduced income, and even beyond the means of our current income. We’re spending more than we make. We’re acquiring debt. We are spending in the now, not investing in the future. In essence, we manage our personal finances in the same manner that our government manages our public finances.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Jesus Didn't Carry A Picket Sign
I have a past. Don’t we all? I have a not so glowing past. Much of my past I should have more remorse about, but… I don’t, mostly because 1. I had A LOT of fun and 2. I am what I am today in large part because of what I’ve experienced to this point – the good, the bad, AND the ugly.
Having said that, would I want others to live the life that I have lived? No. Would I want them to live a more holy life, without the consequences of sin that I have brought on myself? Yes. The question is, “How can I influence others in this world to live a better, holier, more God glorifying life than I have lived?”
One day, as I was driving to work, I came to an intersection that was lined with people. Each of these people was holding a sign. On these signs, there were statements, pleas, commands even. This particular group of people seemed to be peaceful. It seemed they were united to take a stand for something they strongly believed in, something I believe in.
Even in my agreement with what these people stood for, I was met with a sinking feeling in my heart and a sick feeling in my stomach. Even in my agreement with what these people stood for, I felt a sense of judgment, condemnation, even hate.
I was living a life absent of the type of sin I was once in. I had confessed, repented and been forgiven of the sins of my past. And yet, I felt as though I was personally carrying a cross through a mob of people holding signs and yelling “Crucify her!”
It was at that moment that I realized I would never carry a picket sign. I realized that people rarely come to redemption through a picket sign. I realized that Christ never carried a picket sign.
Christ lived a perfect and holy life. Christ led by example. Christ lived in relationship with others. Christ corrected the sinner but scolded the religious, the legalistic, and the self righteous, those who claimed to uphold the law for righteousness sake. Christ, loved.
A picket sign doesn’t build relationship. It doesn’t build trust. It doesn’t inspire change. A picket sign, doesn’t love.
Lord, help me to do my part to change the world for Your sake. Help me to live in the shadow of Your wings. Help me to dwell in Your beauty. Help me to inspire others for Your glory. Help me, to love.
Having said that, would I want others to live the life that I have lived? No. Would I want them to live a more holy life, without the consequences of sin that I have brought on myself? Yes. The question is, “How can I influence others in this world to live a better, holier, more God glorifying life than I have lived?”
One day, as I was driving to work, I came to an intersection that was lined with people. Each of these people was holding a sign. On these signs, there were statements, pleas, commands even. This particular group of people seemed to be peaceful. It seemed they were united to take a stand for something they strongly believed in, something I believe in.
Even in my agreement with what these people stood for, I was met with a sinking feeling in my heart and a sick feeling in my stomach. Even in my agreement with what these people stood for, I felt a sense of judgment, condemnation, even hate.
I was living a life absent of the type of sin I was once in. I had confessed, repented and been forgiven of the sins of my past. And yet, I felt as though I was personally carrying a cross through a mob of people holding signs and yelling “Crucify her!”
It was at that moment that I realized I would never carry a picket sign. I realized that people rarely come to redemption through a picket sign. I realized that Christ never carried a picket sign.
Christ lived a perfect and holy life. Christ led by example. Christ lived in relationship with others. Christ corrected the sinner but scolded the religious, the legalistic, and the self righteous, those who claimed to uphold the law for righteousness sake. Christ, loved.
A picket sign doesn’t build relationship. It doesn’t build trust. It doesn’t inspire change. A picket sign, doesn’t love.
Lord, help me to do my part to change the world for Your sake. Help me to live in the shadow of Your wings. Help me to dwell in Your beauty. Help me to inspire others for Your glory. Help me, to love.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Who Am I?
Who am I? Who do you want me to be?
If I could look through Your eyes, what kind of me would I see?
The above words are to a song I began to write several years ago and have yet to finish. I’m thinking the song, like discovering my true identity in Christ, will be a lifelong process.
You may be looking at my blog to get a little insight into who I am, or really what kind of person I am. You may be a potential friend, employer, stalker, who knows. For whatever reason you would like to know, I’d like to say, “good luck.” I’m not sure that you’ll get a clear sense of my being here, but it’s worth a shot.
Some have gotten the wrong first impression here in the past. For that reason, I’ve taken some of the more “controversial” entries off and am now trying to give a better-rounded picture of who I really am. (I know. I’m a sellout and it goes against what I said I would do in an earlier post. I don’t know, sue me? Kick me out of the “cool people club?” whatever.)
So, in quick summary, here’s a little synopsis of “who I am” as I understand it for now:
I guess I’m funny, or so they tell me.
I am sensitive. I get my feelings hurt at times, BUT I won’t admit it if it happens because that might say I’m weak, which I AM NOT. I am creative beyond my means. In my head I see visions of elaborate works of all kinds which I personally cannot create and no one else would want to. Because what I think, feel and see is so grandiose, elaborate, and complex, I am rarely able to communicate what is in my heart or mind, which makes relationships of all kinds very challenging. For the reasons above and more, I spend a lot of time alone, which is my preference. I’m working on it.
I love the Lord my God with all my heart, soul, mind and strength. I relate to Mary Magdalene. I have a deep appreciation, love and devotion for Jesus Christ who loves me so dearly that he died for my repulsiveness and yet looks me straight in the eyes, holds my face in His hands and expresses His undying love and admiration for me as if none of it ever existed.
As much as I relate to Mary, I relate to other great historical figures, such as Peter and Timothy. Like Peter, I can be filled so full with The Spirit that it flows out of me in ways I never thought possible in my own strength and others draw closer to the Lord through it. Like Timothy, I am timid and afraid to use the great gifts that I have been given. I long for my entire being to be used for the Glory of God. My mission is to radiate His beauty.
I look like someone who is vain, materialistic and liberal in my beliefs and actions. Much to the contrary, I am frugal beyond reason, very conservative and modest. I feel I have a platform to model and encourage purity, modesty and humility to others. I spend little to no money on clothes or health and beauty products. I am VERY selective about what I watch on TV or in movies and I am one of the few people left in this world who does not wear a 2 piece swimming suit. I have a sincere desire to illustrate to other women that it is VERY possible to “radiate His beauty” while being modest, conservative and good stewards. I am passionate about this to say the least.
I am “melancholy”, “dark”, “edgy” or whatever they’re calling it these days. What I mean is my artistic being is not likely to communicate in the language of flowers and smiley faces. I am thankful that God has gifted people to do that. I may be one of those people someday. For now, I tend to speak to the darker things in life while directing myself and others to the true source of light, Jesus Christ.
I have a past. Few people know it and fewer have ever heard me speak of it. However if you too have a past, you will find that my past has allowed me to have empathy and love for you as I guide you in the direction of the one and only Healer and Redeemer, Jesus Christ.
Finally, I am a woman of MANY words. I like to talk – and yet I’m willing to listen. I like to write – and yet I’m willing to STOP.
If I could look through Your eyes, what kind of me would I see?
The above words are to a song I began to write several years ago and have yet to finish. I’m thinking the song, like discovering my true identity in Christ, will be a lifelong process.
You may be looking at my blog to get a little insight into who I am, or really what kind of person I am. You may be a potential friend, employer, stalker, who knows. For whatever reason you would like to know, I’d like to say, “good luck.” I’m not sure that you’ll get a clear sense of my being here, but it’s worth a shot.
Some have gotten the wrong first impression here in the past. For that reason, I’ve taken some of the more “controversial” entries off and am now trying to give a better-rounded picture of who I really am. (I know. I’m a sellout and it goes against what I said I would do in an earlier post. I don’t know, sue me? Kick me out of the “cool people club?” whatever.)
So, in quick summary, here’s a little synopsis of “who I am” as I understand it for now:
I guess I’m funny, or so they tell me.
I am sensitive. I get my feelings hurt at times, BUT I won’t admit it if it happens because that might say I’m weak, which I AM NOT. I am creative beyond my means. In my head I see visions of elaborate works of all kinds which I personally cannot create and no one else would want to. Because what I think, feel and see is so grandiose, elaborate, and complex, I am rarely able to communicate what is in my heart or mind, which makes relationships of all kinds very challenging. For the reasons above and more, I spend a lot of time alone, which is my preference. I’m working on it.
I love the Lord my God with all my heart, soul, mind and strength. I relate to Mary Magdalene. I have a deep appreciation, love and devotion for Jesus Christ who loves me so dearly that he died for my repulsiveness and yet looks me straight in the eyes, holds my face in His hands and expresses His undying love and admiration for me as if none of it ever existed.
As much as I relate to Mary, I relate to other great historical figures, such as Peter and Timothy. Like Peter, I can be filled so full with The Spirit that it flows out of me in ways I never thought possible in my own strength and others draw closer to the Lord through it. Like Timothy, I am timid and afraid to use the great gifts that I have been given. I long for my entire being to be used for the Glory of God. My mission is to radiate His beauty.
I look like someone who is vain, materialistic and liberal in my beliefs and actions. Much to the contrary, I am frugal beyond reason, very conservative and modest. I feel I have a platform to model and encourage purity, modesty and humility to others. I spend little to no money on clothes or health and beauty products. I am VERY selective about what I watch on TV or in movies and I am one of the few people left in this world who does not wear a 2 piece swimming suit. I have a sincere desire to illustrate to other women that it is VERY possible to “radiate His beauty” while being modest, conservative and good stewards. I am passionate about this to say the least.
I am “melancholy”, “dark”, “edgy” or whatever they’re calling it these days. What I mean is my artistic being is not likely to communicate in the language of flowers and smiley faces. I am thankful that God has gifted people to do that. I may be one of those people someday. For now, I tend to speak to the darker things in life while directing myself and others to the true source of light, Jesus Christ.
I have a past. Few people know it and fewer have ever heard me speak of it. However if you too have a past, you will find that my past has allowed me to have empathy and love for you as I guide you in the direction of the one and only Healer and Redeemer, Jesus Christ.
Finally, I am a woman of MANY words. I like to talk – and yet I’m willing to listen. I like to write – and yet I’m willing to STOP.
Friday, June 11, 2010
The Call
I got a phone call today; just your standard, run of the mill, professional service call. I handled it in the same fashion that I handle all calls of this nature. I checked the voicemail a day late, returned the phone call, left a friendly and concise message with my name and phone number clearly stated at the beginning and the end of the message, hung up, and then waited for my call to be returned.
The familiarity of the situation began to change when my call was returned. Not only did my phone actually function appropriately, announcing the call with a standard ring, which most phones are accustomed to doing, but it also rang long enough for me to answer while the party still remained on the line. This is far from familiar, routine, regular, or mundane. This is unusual.
The content of the call, the reason, the purpose, well that’s yet to be determined. Was it to make me physically ill, freaked out and not knowing what to do with myself? Was it to give me peace and contentment, and eventual healing? Was it to add another chapter to Amy’s Book of Life? Or possibly solve a mystery contained within it? Or even finalize the book so that the cover may be closed once and for all? Only God knows that.
So, “What was this call?” you may be asking. “What’s the big deal?” “Here she goes again, with her drama, drama, drama.”
See, the opposite is true actually. I’m opposed to drama. I hate it. I have an adverse reaction to it. Breaking a nail, I like. Having a flat tire, I can throw a fit over. But life, that I prefer to be drama free, ordinary, uneventful, emotionless.
So now I’m left with the task of keeping this just that. How do I stuff this? How do I feel nothing? How do I return it to the usual, the normal, the boring, the mundane? How do I fit this into casual conversation, meaningless chit chat? I’m just not sure.
So, I will choose to stuff it for now, place it in the deep dark closet, that is my soul, hiding it away so that no one can see and I can hopefully forget. Shoving and pushing to fit it amidst the cluttered mass of things place here before. Hoping the door will never open to have it all come crashing out, one “it” on top of another, falling and crashing, never to end until I am surely buried in it, broken and breathless.
What will happen when that day comes? Only time will tell, but for now, I think I’ll go get the duct tape.
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